


Strange Objects

by karmula



Series: tfa_kink fills [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Humor, I'm so sorry, M/M, Poor BB-8, Sexual Content, from BB-8's perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-15 10:35:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5783014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karmula/pseuds/karmula
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe forgets he's left BB-8 in the charger port beside his bed, and at present both he and Finn are too distracted to notice, resulting in a very confused - not to mention practically traumatised - little astromech.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strange Objects

**Author's Note:**

> A short, crack-y fill for [this prompt](https://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/1841.html?thread=1669681#cmt1669681) on the TFA kinkmeme. Honestly, I didn't think I'd ever write something like this (not the smut part - that I have no problem with - but the droid part) but this prompt made me laugh so much I figured I just _had _to give it a shot. I hope reading it makes you laugh as much as I did writing it! (Also, I'm bad at titles, lol. Forgive me.)__
> 
> Also, this features one line of dialogue from the prompt thread I linked above that I'd like to acknowledge as not mine! The poster was anonymous so I can't credit them properly, but I loved it so much I decided to include it. If you see this, let me know so I can credit you/change it if you wish!

It’s been hours since BB-8’s master left him here, sitting in the backup charger port in the corner of his quarters beside his nightstand. Poe had told him to get some rest, recharge, that he was just going out for a drink with friends (BB-8 thinks Finn was mentioned specifically) and not to wait up, but his master had seemed so jittery when he left that BB-8 couldn’t bring himself to shut down completely, just in case there was an emergency of some kind.

He still remembers Poe’s fidgeting hands, the way he had bitten his lip, the hue of pink colouring his cheeks. The program he had recently installed designed to assess any recognised life form’s mood had popped up on the left side of his vision, telling him that these were all signs of anxiety in a human.

So BB-8 had instead set himself to standby mode, his lights dimmed, and set his vision to motion-activated. From beside the nightstand, he can just see the edge of the doorframe, rolled far enough out and in such a way so that if it opens he’ll be alerted, but not too far so as to be visible to the person coming inside.

With a low croon, BB-8’s head-dome slides forward, entering standby mode, and the room dims.

What feels like only moments later, the door to Poe’s quarters abruptly slides open. Poe and another familiar figure stumble inside, giggling. They look happy – so BB-8’s new programming tells him, anyway – but BB-8 is still concerned. Why are his master’s cheeks so red? Why is he stumbling around like that? And why does he keep hiccupping – is he sick?

Another moment, and BB-8 recognises the second figure. It’s Finn, the ex-stormtrooper, the jacket-thief, the one Poe never shuts up about. Once or twice, BB-8’s even heard his master say Finn’s name in his sleep. It’s no surprise that Poe has finally invited him over to his quarters, then – but at quarter past one in the morning? That seems a little late, especially for a human.

Suddenly, Finn pushes Poe down onto the mattress. The motion appears harsh, rough, and BB-8 has a sudden urge to roll out of his hiding place and protect his master, but to his surprise Poe only laughs, throaty and full, and pulls Finn down on top of him, and then suddenly –

 _What are they_ doing? _Doesn’t that hurt their feeding-ports?_

There’s a sucking sound, something wet and fleshy connecting with another wet and fleshy something, as their lips meet, and the occasional clicking noises as their teeth clash against one another. Poe is moaning and his breath is short, something that concerns BB-8 greatly.

_Poe sounds hurt!_

But it isn’t exactly like he’s hurt, no – there’s something like pleasure in there too, which, rather than comforting BB-8, only serves to further confuse him.

As they continue to, well, do whatever it is they’re doing with their mouths, Poe reaches down and unbuttons Finn’s shirt, peeling it away and running his hands over the smooth, dark skin he finds there. By now, BB-8 is utterly bewildered, and even though he knows he probably shouldn’t, he continues to watch (now with an air of eagerness) in the hopes of figuring out exactly what it is his master is doing.

Then Finn pulls away, his expression one of concern. “Wait – where’s BB-8? He’s not going to… roll in on us, is he?”

BB-8 pricks his head at the sound of his name.

“No way, BB-8’s charging. He won’t be up till morning,” Poe says, reassuring, before he joins mouths with Finn once again.

So, whatever they’re doing, it’s something private. Part of him – that infectious little protocol chip every droid is equipped with, but which he has never really gotten much use out of – thinks maybe he should shut down now. After all, clearly neither of them would want him here. Most of him thinks it’s far too late for that, and watches anyway.

Finn pulls away again, his expression sheepish. “Hang on, Poe – do you have, uh – you know –”

“Oh, yeah,” Poe replies, reaching over to fish something out of the drawer in his nightstand. BB-8 shrinks back into the corner, hoping his master was too distracted to notice. The something, a strange square object like a foil food packet only much smaller and flatter, makes a rustling sort of noise as Poe rips it open, and then –

“Quickly!” Finn urges, and BB-8 can only watch in horror at what Poe does with the little circular object he pulls out of the empty packet.

Before he does so, however, BB-8 observes something rather troubling: _Finn’s adapter is leaking oil!_

It’s just a little bit, but enough that Finn should probably be looked at by someone in the medbay. And yet, he seems excited, and Poe does too – they both keep touching it, weird little stroking motions that cause more of that clear oil to leak out of the top.

BB-8 is utterly baffled.

He’ll have to catch R2-D2 some time to ask him about that strange object (not to mention this whole night), though he’ll have to do it when C-3PO isn’t around; that droid is always willing to give an impromptu lecture, any time, any place, and on any subject. Once, he lectured the two of them for half an hour straight after catching them cruising around the hallways on the Resistance base and yelling out expletives at any Resistance droid they came across, with a special consideration for protocol droids (which Threepio of course took personally – and it wasn’t, not at all! It was just funny making their heads spin all the way around at the sound of such crude language).

Regardless, BB-8 is curious enough to risk another infamous C-3PO-lecture if it means he can find out what’s going on here, though as it unfolds in front of him, he thinks maybe he’s beginning to formulate a theory. In fact, BB-8 thinks it’s even possible R2-D2’s mentioned this once or twice before. It might even be –

He has to stop himself from shrieking out loud at what he sees next.

_Finn's going to bend his adapter if he keeps jamming it in Poe's port like that!_

Then, another even more concerning thought: _Or he might even damage Poe’s port! Doesn’t he need that for something!?_

Also worrying are those noises Poe’s making, those human moaning sounds that always set BB-8 a little on edge. They can be so hard to read; is that pain or pleasure? Why can’t humans just speak binary like droids do? Everything would be so much simpler!

Finally, BB-8 decides he’s had enough. Poe certainly doesn’t seem to be in any trouble – quite the opposite, actually – despite those noises he keeps making, and there’s nothing more he can learn about this situation tonight.

One thing is for sure: BB-8 thinks this is definitely that thing R2-D2 told him about, that obscene human word R2-D2 told him to save for the most special of occasions, that four-letter word which is both a verb and a noun, and starts with the letter ‘F’.

Resolving to double-check in the morning, BB-8 quietly rolls backwards into the corner and powers off.


End file.
